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Inside: Discover the 3 most important things that every mom needs to know about peaceful parenting! They can transform your parenting and help you raise happy and strong kids!
I was sitting in front of my laptop, trying to work on a project but the loud noises from the living room made it impossible for me to concentrate on what I was doing.
My son and my husband were chasing each other with their Star Wars lightsabers and they seemed to have a lot of fun with their toy swords. I could hear my son’s jumps on the couch, my husband’s laughter, the playful screams, and the whole loud chaos that this game was generating!
My first instinct was to get angry. My husband knew that I was working and all that noise was not making things easy for me. I thought about going to the living room and asking them to stop.
But I knew that this would only bring disappointment to my son. They were having fun, and they probably didn’t even realize how bothering that noise was for me.
So I stopped myself from rushing angrily towards the living room. I sat down and decided that I do something else until their game ends.
I opened my planner, and inside of it, I found some notes that I took while listening to an online course. There were the notes that I took during the first lesson of an online parenting course held by Dr. Laura Markham, the parenting expert that always inspired my parenting journey.
Right in the middle of the page, highlighted with a yellow marker, there were the 3 pillars of peaceful parenting.
- Self-regulation
- Connection
- Coaching
Seeing these notes made me take a closer look at that evening.
If I had acted on my first angry reaction, I would have probably go to the living room and abruptly ended their game. I would have told them how all that noises bothered me and how disrespectful it felt to hear all that chaos while I had important work to do. Maybe I would have even raised my voice or said things that I didn’t really mean.
Most probably that would have made my son very angry. It would have ruined that great moment that he enjoyed with his dad. And that anger and disappointment would have probably reflected in his behavior for the rest of the evening.
My angry reaction would have only made things worse for everyone.
So I decided not to let that happen. I looked once again at those 3 words written in my notebook, and they offered me the inspiration that I needed at that moment.
I took a deep breath and did my best to calm down. And I realized that I was the only responsible for my reactions. The loud noises in the living room made me so upset because I was already feeling frustrated after an exhausting day and overwhelmed by all the work that I still had to do.
Acknowledging this helped me let go of the anger. I went to the living room and stopped for a minute to look at my son and my husband playing together. They were enjoying that game so much!
“Wow, it seems like you are having a lot of fun!”, I said.
My son jumped from the couch and ran in my arms. He started telling me about the game with a very enthusiastic voice. I could see the joy in his eyes!
“Do you want to try it, mom?”, he asked.
I smiled and joined the game for a while. And I made a lot of noise too because the game was so much fun!
After two sessions of chasing and “fighting” with the toy swords, I sat on the couch and asked my son to join me. I told him that the game is really fun and that I loved playing with him. Then I reminded him that I need to work that evening and that the loud noises make this hard for me.
I asked him if he could come up with a solution that would be good for both of us. He immediately came up with another game idea that was a lot more quieter.
I thanked him and returned to my desk. A few moments after, my son opened the door and came next to me.
“Sorry for the noise, mom! From now on we will only play that game when you are around. I liked it even more when we play it together!”, he said.
I was surprised to hear him say that. I smiled and gave him a big hug.
That evening I never heard loud noises again, and I was able to finish my project on time. And it felt so good that I was able to do this without letting an angry moment ruin the evening for the whole family.
photo credit: evgenyataman / depositphotos.com
The 3 most important things about peaceful parenting
This is why today I decided to write about those 3 pillars of peaceful parenting and their big influence on the way we parent. They make a big difference in my life, and I’m sure that they can help you too!
1. Being able to regulate your own emotions when facing a difficult parenting moment
The thing that surprised me the most in my journey to become a calm mom was how hard it is to manage my emotions when I get triggered.
But the truth is that we cannot be gentle and empathetic with our kids if we are not able to remain calm and overcome our own negative feelings.
No parent is peaceful and calm all the time. Every parent gets angry at some point. What makes a huge difference for our children is the way we decide to act in those angry moments.
Self-regulation starts with acknowledging that you are in charge of your own feelings. It is your responsibility how you react when you get angry.
I know that this is not easy at all! It takes time and effort to overcome anger and find gentle ways to handle difficult situations. But making this change will transform your whole life! It will not only make parenting easier, but it will also make you feel better.
If you are dealing with parenting anger and you are looking for ways to overcome it, here are some tips and ideas that made a big difference in my life:
- What helped me become a calmer mom and be gentle with my child even if I’m angry
- The most important things to do after yelling at your kids
- Struggling with parenting anger? Here are the first steps to overcome it
2. Putting connection first and building a strong relationship with your child
The core of positive discipline is focusing on connection before correction. The reason behind this is very simple: Children won’t fully accept our guidance if they are not feeling connected to us.
When kids notice that we are not emotionally available for them, they feel unsafe, and this triggers many negative behaviors.
Connection allows you to make your child feel safe and loved. It makes disciplining your kids easier because they are more likely to listen to you if they feel understood and connected.
One of the things that I often hear from the moms who tried the Playful Mom Toolkit is how much the interactions with their kids changed after they connected more through play. Connection can really transform your parenting because it’s one of the most powerful parenting tools that we have as parents!
If you are looking for more inspiration on how to make connection a priority, here are some ideas to try:
- The easy habit that will help you spend quality time with kids every single day
- 3 easy changes that offer me more quality time with my son
- The magic relationship ratio that will make you a better parent
photo credit: choreograph / depositphotos.com
3. Replacing control with coaching when disciplining your kids
Traditional discipline focuses a lot on how parents can control their kids’ behavior. But the truth is that when parents control their children, they don’t let them think for themselves. They don’t allow kids to learn from their mistakes and make better choices on their own.
On the other hand, coaching kids allows them to be their best self and gain confidence in their abilities. Replacing control with coaching and gentle guidance will help you raise resilient and responsible children.
Positive discipline is not always easy to put into practice. It comes with many challenges, and it takes a lot of patience! But it can make such a big difference in your child’s life!
If you are looking for tips that will make positive discipline easier to implement, here are the ideas that worked great for us when parenting got hard:
You can find the online parenting course that I mentioned at the beginning of the article here: Peaceful Parent Happy Kids Online Course by Dr. Laura Markham. It is hands down the best peaceful parenting course that I’ve ever taken!
I know how challenging parenting can be and how demanding motherhood is. But in this amazing journey of raising kids, we can make a big difference in our children’s lives if we make the right choices.
Motherhood is not about being perfect. It’s not about not making mistakes. It’s about learning to do better every day.
This is exactly what peaceful parenting is all about: learning to be good parents for our kids.
So whenever parenting feels hard or confusing or frustrating, remember these 3 ingredients of being a peaceful parent: self-regulation, connection, and coaching.
They matter more than anything else!
>> Want to remember this? Share these ideas to your favorite Pinterest board!
photo credit preview photo: evgenyataman / depositphotos.com
Amazing article
Very precise to difficult parenting moments . I will remember this method in trying to become a peaceful parent , more self controlled when stress, noise, and kids fighting get the better of me.
Thank you . A good read.
This is so extremely valuable! The effect we have on our children is everything!